Bob Dylan Announces Upcoming Tour Of The Planets


by Larry Fyffe

Singer/songwriter Bob Dylan confirmed yesterday that next year’s
Never-Ending Tour will include concerts on a number of the planets that make up our solar sysem.

Bob comments in an interview about his planned interplanetary mission:

Don’t know what I’d do without it
Without this love that we call ours
Beyond here lies nothin’
Nothin’ but the moon and stars

Our intrepid detectives at the ‘Untold Dylan’ offices in New York City have got their hands on the setlists, each designed especially for the planet visited. Every list has a song that pays tribute to the planet they land on. Dylan and His Band will perform the song right after their announcer says, “And now for all you Martians (or Venusians, etc.) out there in the audience, here’s Earth’s recording artist Bob Dylan!”

On Mercury, the planet which in Classical Mythology symbolizes the often- shot-at Messenger, the song will be:

With your mercury mouth in the missionary times
And your eyes like smoke and your prayers like rhymes
And your silver cross, and your voice like chimes
Oh, who do they think could bury you?
(Sad-Eyed Lady Of The Lowlands)

The inhabitants of the planet Mercury have ringing voics, and, especially the females, are known for their smoke-filled eyes.

The planet Venus is a symbol for Sex where Dylan will sing:

Got to hurry back to my hotel room
Where I got me a date with Botticelli’s niece
She promised to be right there with me
When I paint my masterpiece
(When I Paint My Masterpiece)

Venus is famous for its warm hotels, many of which house brothels. Sandro Botticelli created the famous painting ‘Birth Of Venus’.

The red planet Mars be a symbol of War; the opening song will be:

The cavalries charged
The Indians fell
The cavalries charged
The Indians died
Oh, the country was young
With God on its side
(With God On Our Side)

The ‘Red Indians’ on the planet Mars were completely wiped out, but the Martians showed their deep remorse by naming a chocolate bar after them.

The planet Jupiter symbolizes the greatest of all the gods -Zeus; Bob Dylan plans to open the concerts there with:

They shaved he head
She was torn between Jupiter and Apollo
A messenger arrived with a black nightingale
I seen her on the stairs and I couldn’t help but follow
Follow her down past the fountain where they lifted her veil
(Changing Of The Guards)

Apollo’s the god of music. We’ve learned that Bob’s had a vision that a messenger from Mercury might show up, and tip off Jupiter’s King to have security guards keep an eye on the Queen after Dylan finishes his performace.

The mission to the planet Saturn is cancelled due to slow ticket sales: inhabitants there have no ears. A Dylan critic wonders why that would make any difference.

The concerts on the mission to Neptune, the planet that in Classical Mythology symbolizes the Sea, will start with:

Praise be to Nero’s Neptune
The Titanic sails at dawn
Everybody’s shouting
‘Which side are you on?’
(Desolation Row)

We have no information whether or not there’ll be performances on Uranus and Pluto, and for that we apologize to our readers.

What else is on the site

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